TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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