I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
