I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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