I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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