So drunk its hurt
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
