i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
