Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
