i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
