woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
