apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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