shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize