u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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