apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
