I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
not ubering you a puppy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize