my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
