so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
