dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
