She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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