a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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