I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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