im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
