I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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