Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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