You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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