1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Too much gin, very little bucket
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize