Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
