I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
