i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
