True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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