i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
