found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
