We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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