Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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