Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
