I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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