i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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