We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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