So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
