Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
