Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
