woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
