This is not my ceiling
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize