eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
