I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
