First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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