the condom got lost in my hair
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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