Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
