that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
