I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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