They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
