I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
