dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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