if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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