i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
