At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
