Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
