i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
