She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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