While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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