dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
