I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
