I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
