glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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