He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
