If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
