We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
