I faked an abortion last night.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
