DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
