i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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